I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
