Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
