my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
