It's Friday. Sex?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
