Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
