i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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