Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
