I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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