Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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