I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
