I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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