Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's a Shit stain on my heart
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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