I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize