How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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