I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
