She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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