i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
