At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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