My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ladies don't puke and tell
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
