dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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