I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
