I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
