i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
