Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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