So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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