y did u give ur computer a hand job?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
