barbara walters just said penis...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
