I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I could fuck to npr.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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