Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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