I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
