I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Randomize
