Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
