I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
