there's paper in my vomit.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
