About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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