If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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