Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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