You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
