okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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