god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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