u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
