i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
