new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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