So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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