Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
love makes seman taste better
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
