Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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