her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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