A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He passed out mid-signature
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
