I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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