she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.