We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
