: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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