you win again, gameday.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
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How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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