Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
