it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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